An Optomist’s Essay on Motivation

(While I am working on S’s bedroom, enjoy this post by Andy. Remember that I had nothing to do with this post. Nothing whatsoever. ~Stacy)

Day 36 of successfully avoiding home improvement chores…

Greetings, this post is for the proletariat. Are your weekends all tied up with projects? Well, take a page from the Lazy Man’s Guide to Home Tolerance – avoid work at all costs – no matter how much effort it takes. Since this is a home improvement blog, I figure it’s my duty to stand up and say, “Nay, let us not perpetuate this myth of productivity!” Follow these simple tips to get out of as many DIY projects as possible.

(credit)

Beauty is in the Eye of the Be-letting-it-go-er.

There are a lot of crazy people out there with some whacked out ideas about meaning or purposes in life being about making things better, whether it’s helping the sick, feeding the poor, painting the bedroom or some such nonsense. These folks are always telling themselves and others that what they have, or who they are just isn’t good enough. That is not true. We’re all beautiful, even the ugly ones, and as for your home…well, don’t believe that cynical building inspector and his silly enforcement codes. Your home is awesome just the way it is.

Unfortunately, the tide is turning against us, the Untolerators…Intolerants? Detolernators? hmm…we’ll work on that. Anyway, these Mistolernuts are now are trying to convince us that home improvement is fun. I KNOW! Crazy right?

What’s worse is that some people are going all Tom Sawyer, sucker-like and actually falling for that baloney. Worry not, however, because I for one, will not stand for it. I’m going to lie down on the couch, and subtly fight this as soon as I wake from my nap. I’m going to show you how to join me! In the fight that is, not the nap, although it is nice to cuddle, snug and warm with a group in nice after-lunch nap.

What work – I don’t see any work?
My first tip in the fight against this D.I.Y. madness is D.I.C. — Do I Care? That’s right, the best way to avoid work is to convince everyone that there is no work needed. What? What kind of David Blaine trick did I just drop on you? This sleight-of-mind is the ultimate weapon against those energetic demons out to ruin yet another weekend. Simply deny the ugly. Heck if you’re good, you can make someone saying something is ugly feel guilty about those feelings. “What? You think this is ugly and needs to be painted? But that’s so superficial! Is that why you’re always bathing the kids and combing their hair? You think our kids are ugly? Why do you hate everyone?”

Here’s a real life example in our home. This is just one of six scenes on the wallpaper in our bathroom. Some people think it’s terrible. I, however, will fight to the bitter end to keep this gem. Heck I like it so much I made it the wallpaper on my computer!

There is not the slightest hint of doublespeak when I say:

(credit)

I could go on and on about how the only truly happy people in the world are those who really don’t care what other people think about them, and how this culture of approval-seeking, co-dependency is distorting our intrinsic sense of worth with every Facebook like that we now desperately crave, but alas, that would fall on deaf ears because nobody ever retweets my posts…and…it hurts…so much….

Unfortunately, sometimes this strategy of trying convince people that your condemned tenement is good enough doesn’t work. If it doesn’t, you’re going to have to fall back on other more drastic measures to escape the DIY disease.

Be prepared…
One thing experts all say, is that when it comes to DIY projects, it pays to be prepared before you start. I could not agree more. You need to have a full list of excuses ready to roll off the tongue at the first hint of trouble. You don’t want to get caught stammering like a dolphin and end you up knee deep in roof shingle. You need to sell that excuse with all the believably of this acting genius:

Here’s a starter list of excuses for you that I’ve collected from the hundreds of creative slackers that I’ve had the good fortune of managing over the years. You may start with these while you work on customizing the ones that will work best in your situation:

1.  I’ve got Ebola Man-Flu and the CDC has quarantined me on this couch.
2. I’ve been having too much sex and my {insert any body part here} really hurts.
3. Can’t ’cause we’re broke. For this to work it helps to blow your savings at the casino the night before.
4. I have to work this weekend…at the golf course, or the variation…I have a conference in Vegas this weekend.
5. I have a crap-­ton of errands to run all over town, return the video tapes, get some haircuts, dry clean stuff, tailor other stuff, cobble some shoes, take the socks to the darners, monger some fish…I’ll be out all day.
6. I’m having “personal” issues. Make sure you use air quotes when saying the word “personal” most people will nod like they know what the heck you’re talking about. Add the word “explosive” if the first attempt doesn’t work.
7. My lawyers have advised that, due to current litigation in the larger connotation multi disciplinary actions should be seen as praxis in the summative evaluation, ergo I should mitigate any risk associated with such activity heretofore and hence with.
8. I’ve got a conference call with the Hong Kong team and I need to practice my Cantonese.
9. I get sumetheng in mi iye and I kant seee anytheng, bit if yu wamt me tu fire up the table saw, no prombel.

Remember, the key to success here is make the excuse so unbelievable anyone who cares would say, “That’s so unbelievable there’s no way he could have made that up.” However, if your excuses do not get you out of the job, then worry not, I have tips for that too. I call it Plan B.

Plan B – If you have to do something…
Just the other day, in a moment of hallucinatory imbalance, I was caught off guard with the suggestion to remodel a bedroom. My excuse, something about a string of aliens abducting people with paintbrushes, fell on deaf ears. I was left with but one recourse. That’s right. I had to avoid hard work by doing easy work.

With some quick thinking, I was like, “I could remodel the room ORRRR…I could fix that leaky faucet that over the last three months has wasted enough water to end the California drought. Great Lakes are just great aren’t they? This, sadly, is the only thing I can lord over my peeps back in California.

Anyway, here is something to remember when you are pulling off the artful dodge. Easy jobs end quickly so…

Make it look difficult, and Make it so they’ll never ask for your help…ever again.
Ever get asked to help someone move? I did…once. Dropped their grandma’s ashes one time and they never asked me for help ever again. The point is, well you know the point. With DIY, take as much time as you can to slack off. Then finish the job so it’s barely acceptable, would never pass an inspection, and it makes people immediately want to call a professional before calling you.

(credit)

So in the case of my leaky faucet, I turned a simple o-ring replacement into a full afternoon of farting around. First I went to the store and bought the wrong o-ring – “accidentally” leaving the old one back home. I drove really slowly to the hardware store every time, just be extra safe, and oddly enough, there was a game on the radio that I perchance overheard.

As soon as I fixed the drippy sink…mostly, (I’ve left open the door for future faucet replacement in case the roof job rears its ugly head.) lo and behold, the old pipes beneath the sink started to leak. One hard twist on the old chrome fittings, and the rotted pipes started crumbling like dominoes, one right after the other all that way to the floor pipe.

By the way, a good corollary lesson for future jobs is buy crappy parts for easy jobs and good parts for harder jobs. The future you will thank you.

So I then went to the store four more times, each time forgetting a critical piece. I would have forgotten a u-joint for a fifth trip if the game had gone into OT. I got some putty, and it took me like two hours to make a good putty snake to seal the drain pipe to the sink.

I then spent the rest of the day piecing together a drainpipe jigsaw puzzle with no picture to reference. I ended up with something that looked like this:

Needless to say, I was fairly proud of my work, well ok, more proud of my lack of work, but still as far as DIY goes, I’m pretty sure I’ve outdone myself here, and I deserve a nice two-maybe-three month hiatus…at least until the end of football season.

In a nutshell, remember that work is no fun. The results of hard labor are bad backs, sore muscles and marital counseling. Work forces you to miss out on quality time with your kids and/or pets. Busy hands are the devil’s playground. So always do your best…to avoid it.